Ahh, A Minnesota Winter

It’s -20 here right now. Celsius that’s apparently -28, if converters can be trusted. It is so cold out that my entire body was shaking as I drove Todd’s truck home. Insane. Supposedly it’s to be even colder tomorrow. Who has two thumbs and isn’t leaving home for anyone or anything? This guy. So yeah. Went to Marshall with Jamie today and then Abi and Todd had me, my mom, Jamie, and Ben for supper (that delicious pork loin with bacon and jalepenos and cream cheese. Do I feel closer to death? Yes. Would I do it again? Yes.) and then we played Presidents and I sucked hxc. To an impressive degree, almost. So yeah. Tomorrow is school interspersed with Lockup. I do love that show. Somebody remind me to move where the temperatures aren’t so extreme. Some guy who went in to talk at a seminar at my sister’s college said that only Siberia has such big extremes as where I live. What. Is. Wrong. With. Me.

 

Sleep – the producer of tabula rasa

Well the dawn came and everything looked much more manageable. It’s incredible how that happens. You close your eyes feeling hopeless, lost, alone, and sick of it all and when you open your eyes that pain in your heart is barely there, the fog in your mind is completely lifted, your feet itch to make beats across the floor, and your mouth desires nothing more than to slip into a smile. Well…maybe not quite to that degree but I did feel so much better and there is no reason for it except for sleep.

I dont know why sleep has such a purifying effect but I’m so thankful to it. Whereas last night I wanted nothing more than human contact today I accept that I’m entering a stage in my life where lots of friends and contact maybe aren’t so important. Sharing my innermost fears and thoughts and feelings is not of the utmost import – it’s turning out to be not important at all.

 

300

The sky was orange tonight. Not the ‘oh, It’s a beautiful sunrise/set’ sort of orange. It was that eerie orange that doesn’t belong and that only happens on cold winter days. I remember laying in my room in the middle of the night last winter with Courtney and we were all amazed by it and kind of freaked out.

I’m not very happy tonight. I feel very lonesome and very trapped in that isolation. I’ll shrug it off by morning but for tonight it feels like a very heavy burden that I dont want to carry. There’s something fundamentally wrong with me, clearly, as to why I cant keep good, close friends. I just need someone to say everything to and that person does not exist right now. So I guess it’s just me and this pathetic blog and my pathetic gratitude journal and my sad little list of things I’d rather do than kill myself. Lies, Lies, Lies. Breaking us down with these lies. Dawn cant come soon enough.

Appearing offline everywhere I go because if you appear offline and no one talks to you it’s justifiable. If you’re online and they dont talk to you..well that’s harder to explain away. Not getting invited places. Ben suddenly has a thousand other things that are a thousand times more interesting than me. I dont blame him.

Anyway. This is the 300th post here. Quite the celebratory post, dont you think? Here’s to the past. Let’s go back.

 

Music I’m Grooving To

Now..there’s a bit of everything so…check it out.

First up is Harsh Realms by Tom Gabel. Alexgalvin introduced me to the song. Now I dig Against Me! a whole bunch – they’re a great band. I was unaware that the lead singer had his own cd and some of his stuff was acoustical. Delightful surprise. Check it out for certain.

Now is a song called Burn You Down by Opiate For The Masses. What I love about this song is the base line and the drum beats. It’s delicious. It’s a tad dark but his gruff voice is great.

Here Comes Your Man by The Pixies (briefly mentioned in another post) is my new favorite song by them. It was featured in 500 Days of Summer (that movie is growing on me like cancer) and I must say I kind of like Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s version more. That’s terrible, I know. But it’s true! Rly, srsly listen to this song. Loves it.

Let us travel back to 2005….k, now listen to this song. Our Last Night by Better Than Ezra. I. Love. This. Song. With a renewed vigor, truly.

A song called I Dream A Highway by Gillian Welch is next on my list. But it isn’t on youtube. So..be inventive and find another way to listen to it, all right? it’s a beautiful song. No matter my mood it makes me uber mellow and ready to just lay still in the grass for hours on a warm day with slow, lazy clouds drifting over.

This song just amuses me and I like her voice and I like when Alex sings it so I am adding it. Tik Tok by Ke$ha (yeah, that’s right. There’s a money sign in her name. That demands respect).

Naomi heard this song and called me up and I’m so thankful for it. It’s a beautiful song. It’s called ‘Wish You Well’ by Thousand Foot Krutch. Quite the venture from their song Move which I love as well. Listen to it, it’s so pretty.

Kay, that’s enough for now. I’ve been listening to all of my Horse Feathers, Flogging Molly, and Brandi Carlile as well as these. Great, great music. Anything good coming from your speakers?

 

Missed the Anniversary…whoops

December 5th marked the one year anniversary of me being on wordpress and moving from the live spaces. We’re just about at 300 posts here so…I’d say I do pretty all right with updating consistently. How has the year been for all of you?

I’ve spent the last bit of time reading my old posts. I cant tell if I’ve changed since then…I still write basically the same way. I must say I dont even remember writing most of that stuff. Also interesting to note that since I stopped writing on that blog it has gotten 2000 more hits. Weird, right.

 

Funny times with FFVII

So I’ve been doing some school I’m behind on today and Emily has been playing Final Fantasy VII. I just took a break for supper and was in there and I decided it would be a whole lot more interesting if I was narrating for the characters. I was so right. Emily was laughing so hard I feared for her. She especially liked when I tried to sound like Barret, a hardcore black dood. That and child Aeris. Try it. Makes the game more fun. Probably not if you’re alone..then you’ll just look and sound like a crazy.

 

Muhaha, leave it to J!NX to have some sense

So Twilight is big right now (whoa, understatement) and the acting makes me want to be shot in the face (srsly what is wrong with all those morons?) and the men are ugly in the movie which is weird for a big movie such as these are but alas, they be fugly. With my hate apparent for the franchise, the actors, and the author for making such horrible crap, I present to you this hilarious little gem made by the good people at J!NX.

…teehee. Here’s their description of it because..that’s funny to:

Don’t you think the vampires-are-people-too thing has gone a little too far? I mean, the whole point of a vampire is that they survive by sucking your blood. I don’t care if his skin glows and twinkles and he smells like kittens and fabric softener, he’s still just a glorified syringe. Remember the last time you had blood drawn? Yeah, me too, and it sucked! It’s time we put an end to this nonsense: Edward, may I treat you to a stake dinner?

You can buy this shirt riiiiiigght here.

 

The possibilities of a blank page.

There’s something I find incredibly exciting about a brand new blank notebook or opening up a new Microsoft word page. In that beautiful expanse of white there is nothing but possibility. What will fill it today? A love letter written with a smiling heart and trembling fingers? A great epic of dragons and warriors? A research paper that your grade is banking on? Words that rhyme in order to make a poem? A journal entry?

Possibilities are well and truly infinite. There is an unknowable future to a blank, unclaimed piece of paper. And we get to craft that future. With quick and careful strokes of the pen or the comforting drone of the clacking of keyboard strikes we take this empty thing and turn it into a melodious piece of work. Cracking open such possibility is bound to make anyone who has a love of words happy and hopeful.

 

Not bad at all

The last few days have been pretty awesome. Yesterday was possibly the best snow day I’ve ever had save for when Jamie lived in Marshall and we were snowed in for days and she’d make so many cookies and Naomi would make heath bars…yeah, those were awesome. But yesterday was so great. Lots of us went to Ryan and Melissa’s (including Naomi and Abi which is surprising because usually Naomi is working and Abi is a home-body). We played a lot of Pit (did I talk about that last time and my great, great, immense love for it?) and we made good food and a cake and fudge and laughed and grooved and half way planned the corporate takeover of the banana pie club.

The Galvin spent the night last night and Ryan let her skip school and we went out in service. It was me, Alex, Ben, Ana, and Ryan and it was so. much. fun. We gave clues about bible characters or locations and would guess at them and we laughed and laughed and Alex tried to get into the laundry mat through a door that said ‘This door is locked due to wind.’ and she even pointed at the sign before realizing she could go in the other door. We all laughed at her. She laughed too. There were just so many funny little aspects it’s hard to relate them. It’s worth noting that I got to play with a cute, old lab that I loved. Basically I feel great, I’m doing great, I dont give a crap if anybody thinks I’m not progressed enough in life, truth, or anything else. I think it’s the winter. It makes me all giddy and happified.

In unrelated but important news the song ‘Here Comes Your Man’ by the Pixies has replaced my former favorite Pixies song, ‘Where is my mind?’ Well I think that’s enough of an update right now. I LOVE YOU GUYS WHOO!

 

Collecting Words

Here’s a little..open poem type prose deal I wrote while ‘napping’ today. Not sure I like it. Quite the deviation from my norm. K. Here we go.

Collecting Words

I know you’ve been collecting words.

Words to throw at me. Words that are beginning to feel like hot coals on your tongue just trying to push their way past those sensitive bone walls that you clench in response to my actions again and again.

Because I’m that person who leaves socks in every room of the house and then complains of not being able to find my socks to wash. Because when I tell you I’m taking a nap you know I’m really in bed crying, trying to comfort and hold myself instead of letting you in. I’m the sort of person who cleans when they feel like they’re breaking down – just so I don’t have to stop and think. I’m that person who emerges with smiling eyes and kind words, the one who pretends everything is fine and expects you to do the same. The girl who makes up for the depression with an unbelievable high that I only hope you can mimic.

Those words are losing room. I see them spilling from your eyes. Forming drops that shift down your face and spell out tales of your disappointment, of your hurt.

You didn’t sign up for this.

I have no words for you; I’ve said them all before. In bitter fights and hushed whispers as you hold me and lively conversations about the possibility of teleportation and mice ruling the world and all the places we’d like to visit.

But you…I know you’ve been collecting words.
And I know it’s time to hear them.